When it all ends, I’ve got plans


By Andy Winemiller - [email protected]



If you haven’t been following the latest saga of the world’s imminent end, you really are missing out.

A couple weeks ago some media outlets reported retired astrophysicist David Whitmore has hypothesized a planet, known by Whitmore as “Planet Nine,” will be entering a portion of its orbit which takes it through the Kuiper Belt, a bunch of asteroids in orbit around the sun.

Whitmore claims when this planet makes its way through the millions of big rocks, it may knock some of those really big rocks toward Earth. The planet supposedly has done this in the past, wiping out life on earth about every 26 million years.

Of course, Whitmore describes it a little differently. I opted to use the layman explanation of events. After all, I’m not a scientist. Well, I’m a political scientist. However, what that really means is a degree in political science was the easiest ticket to ending my four years at a reputable institution of higher learning with a degree.

I’m not sure I actually learned anything in my time spent at Madison Street Tavern and the Clover Club instead of class, but my academic history is irrelevant. It’s simply my disclaimer on my very non-scientific explanation of big rocks circling the sun.

Whitmore said the planet wasn’t going to end life in a decade or even a year. In fact, his account of events states it’s going to be over any day now.

Of course, most reputable scientists (not political scientists) have come forward to call Whitmore’s theory something just shy of hogwash. However, for about a minute I thought it was all over. OK. Not actually a minute — maybe five seconds.

It all does bring some interesting matters to mind.

The first of these is nothing is forever. It’s a scientific fact the world is going to end one day. There are big rocks flying all around space. Eventually, one of those things is going to hit Earth and either wipe out life or end it as we know it.

The fact is, Mother Nature is no dummy. At some point the forces that be just end it all. Maybe it’s just when it’s time to start over, when we’ve outlived our usefulness. Then little organisms may begin to grow again. Over millions of years they may evolve into an even greater species than that into which we have evolved.

The possibilities are endless. The only certainty is none of us will be here to see it.

I jumped to planning when I read Whitmore’s account of the end. What could I do and where would we go if it’s an Earth-shattering event? How would I spend my final days or hours if it’s a world-ending event?

I’ve been amassing meals-ready-to-eat (MREs) throughout the duration of my military service. My survival, at least where food is concerned, will thankfully be government-funded.

I’m good on food and also have large amounts of emergency water. I’m well armed which will be beneficial should the Canadians seize the opportunity and invade and also readies me to put food on the table by means of a more natural way than McDonald’s.

What if it truly is the end, however. That’s a reality some generation of humans will have to face. A big rock barrelling toward Earth, or the sun burning out will be something people will one day consider.

I’m as ready for that as I am the world-changing event. My plan is simple. I’m heading to the liquor store.

With the vast majority of Surry County residents attending church in the ominous last days of the human species, I’m really set up for success in this plan.

Chances are the store clerk won’t even be there. I don’t steal, so instead I will simply leave what I deem as fair market value for my stock on the counter. In other places, I’m guessing a bottle of vodka will go for $1,000 or more. Here though, I ought to be able to buy the entire store for $50.

I may even be able to talk a local restaurant into allowing me to use their facility to serve a breakfast with proper drinks — mimosas — to like-minded people. No worries, I’ll include espresso martinis on my menu.

Then I’ll take my stock and watch the end while sipping a Tom Collins and enjoying my last minutes with those I care about, watching that big rock approach and knowing Mother Nature probably has something interesting up her sleeve.

In the end, it’s all just part of a cycle. Rather than sit around and theorize how it’ll all end or concern ourselves with any plans for the day of doom, we all can just enjoy the time we have.

After all, Whitmore said it can end any day now.

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By Andy Winemiller

[email protected]

Andy is a staff writer and may be reached at 415-4698.

Andy is a staff writer and may be reached at 415-4698.

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