I’m solving crimes in my spare time


By Andy Winemiller - [email protected]



The recent rash of illegal activity has left some folks gasping, wondering what has become of our world.

All over the place political signs have gone missing or have been vandalized beyond repair. Even party leadership — on both sides of the aisle — has weighed in on the matter. The Surry County Sheriff’s Office is leading an investigation into two Trump signs vandalized on Old Westfield Road.

The only evidence with which they have to work are two signs with “F.D.T.” spray-painted on them and a beer bottle. They are pulling out all the tricks in the book though. The beer bottle will be analyzed for fingerprints.

Perhaps, they will even send it away to the state crime lab. Five years from now, we will get the DNA results and nab the bad guy.

I was once accused of stealing political signs. Really. In my first campaign I was running against a blithering old idiot — a Democrat, just for the record — who had long been part of the problem in my home town.

We were at an event when he stuttered, “Maybe it’s not you, but maybe it’s some of your people. Somebody is stealing my signs.”

I replied honestly. I told him I hardly had time to put my own signs out, what with balancing my time as a full-time student, a collegiate wrestling career and a campaign in a city with 67,000 residents and all.

As for my friends, they too were busy doing other more important things than paying any attention to my opponent’s campaign signs. They were drinking beer and watching Seinfeld re-runs.

I am definitely above stealing yard signs. However, I do have quite a collection of ugly blue and white magnets. At every event I attended, if his magnets were on the table, I swiped a few and left my pens. In the end, I had enough magnets to completely cover at least ten refrigerators.

There was no ill intent involved. As I got closer and closer to the front row of politics, I really thought about voting for him. I thought the magnets might help me decide which dot to punch on election day.

Back to the situation at hand. With the traditional state crime lab wait in store for our beer bottle, we are left with more questions than answers. I have heard only theories.

Of course, the Trump faithful — and I mean faithful, as only the most faithful, or blind, of people could possibly continue to support the billion dollar disappointment Trump has proven himself to be — blame liberals.

I don’t know what sort of beer bottle that is, as the sheriff has yet to bring me on as a private investigator on this case, but I can only imagine it was a Michelob Ultra. Perhaps, it was even a Bud Light Lime.

That’s right, some loony liberal who can’t even stomach a real man’s beer is making his rounds every night. The activity is sporadic and unpredictable, as he must carefully plan his covert operation so as to still make time for his PETA meetings.

Multiple trips are necessary, as there is only so much room in his smart car to store stolen signs and cans of spray paint.

If you see him, do not approach him. Folks like him are known to carry pepper spray or even a rape whistle. The recoil on a 9mm is just too much for his dainty wrists.

As for the guy stealing Clinton signs, he’s known to leave Milwaukee’s Best at the scene. There may be more than one perpetrator here, as I’ve heard reports of a Budweiser can at one scene. We may have a high-class Trump supporter on our hands.

Be on the lookout for the rusty pickup truck operated by a man yelling “AMERIKA” and wielding a 12-gauge. Thankfully, this guy’s crime spree is easily contained. He’s never seen the outside of Surry County and is likely never to leave his comfort zone.

This dude is committed though. He missed his NRA meeting (I’m a life-member of the NRA, so I can say that) last night to steal Clinton signs.

He’s using the Clinton signs to build a wall around his property to keep out the growing number of illegal immigrants in Surry County.

There it is. I have given the authorities what is needed to solve this stuff — an accurate description of their likely suspects. My bill is in the mail, Graham.

Oh, I have one more theory. Perhaps, Trump supporters have finally realized he’s a billion-dollar phony who is completely unfit to hold the office of president and panders mostly to racists, sexists and bigots.

Clinton supporters woke up and realized she’s a tired old political hack with more skeletons in her closet than Jeffrey Dahmer had in his apartment.

Following in the footsteps of their respective leaders, folks on both sides of the race have opted to steal their own signs and blame it on those on the other side of the aisle. That way they get rid of the ugly lawn ornament they’ve grown to detest, while never having to admit how wrong they were to display it in the first place.

Makes sense to me. It’s sort of like boasting about grabbing women in the genitals then saying it doesn’t reflect who you are. And yes, it’s probably a little like turning tail and running away from one’s mismanagement of a situation which got people killed at a U.S. embassy.

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By Andy Winemiller

[email protected]

Andy is a staff writer and may be reached at 415-4698.

Andy is a staff writer and may be reached at 415-4698.

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