Earlier in October when the “Access Hollywood” tape of Donald Trump bragging about his skill at sexual assault and yet another WikiLeaks dump of Democratic emails happened within four days of each other, guess which one captured the popular imagination?
Trump fans cried foul as the mainstream media, as well as the blogosphere, the Twitterverse and the Facebook memes posted by your great-aunt Lucy and her book club, focused completely on the vulgar and tawdry admissions of Mr. Trump to the total exclusion of the presumably damning emails.
And if you thought for a second that the TV networks would pass up a sex scandal for a bunch of inter-office DNC communications, you haven’t been watching television news for the last half century.
As it’s easy to get confused about all the email leaks, hacks, rumors and scandals swirling around Hillary Clinton, it’s important to remember that these particular emails released by WikiLeaks on Oct. 11 were not the mysteriously missing 33,000 which disappeared from Hillary Clinton’s infamous private server at her home in Chappaqua, the server which she rather carelessly placed far too close to a bunch of hammers and a blowtorch.
No, these were hacked from the Democratic National Committee, which by now is the home to more hacking than a horse farm on a sunny weekend. I would imagine that by this point all prominent Democrats are doing all of their communication with semaphore flags or smoke signals. No, not smoke signals. No good Democrat would participate in cultural appropriation of that magnitude.
As far as the emails in question, it’s no wonder they were eclipsed by a sex scandal. The ones I’ve read are pretty dry stuff, not that I’ve read anywhere near all of them. But what I have read show that Hillary Clinton is rather fond of single-payer health care, which comes as no surprise to her enemies who have been accusing her of such support for years. It comes as somewhat of a pleasant surprise to progressive voters who dared not hope for such a thing.
But the real news, the October surprise if ever there was one, is that Hillary Clinton is harboring a stone-cold conservative at the heart of her campaign, in fact leading her campaign. A secret affinity for conservatism is the one handful of mud her enemies have never thought to throw at her, but the one her fans have always secretly feared.
John Podesta, Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman and formerly Bill Clinton’s chief of staff has been firmly in the Clinton camp since before Bill figured out how much fun intern games could be.
Podesta outed himself as the most conservative of traditionalists in an email exchange with Peter Huffman when he refused to countenance the idea of cooking risotto any other way than the way it has been cooked by Italian grandmothers since rice first appeared on the Italian peninsula.
This is shocking news. Nothing could be more conservative.
Podesta tells Huffman, in one of the more interesting of the released emails that you must add the chicken stock or whatever liquid you’re using in your risotto a quarter cupful or so at a time and stir until it is absorbed. Only then do you add a dab more liquid and repeat the process.
This method does yield some tasty risotto but Huffman had the unmitigated gall to suggest to John Podesta that he simply dump all the liquid at once and move on with his life.
John Podesta stood firm in his convictions and revealed his true conservative self. If you want your risotto to be creamy, there is no easy way out. You have to do the hard work. There is no other way to turn those starches into a creamy sauce. If you’re not willing to work hard and stand over a hot stove with a spoon in your hand for the better part of an hour, you do not deserve creamy risotto.
Yeah, dump all the water in at once like a lazy liberal or shove the whole shootin’ match in the oven and sip on your chardonnay while the oven does all the work for you, but in the end, you do not deserve creamy risotto. And John Podesta says you will not get it.
I’m paraphrasing, of course. Well, more than paraphrasing. I’m reading between the lines and doing a fair amount of projecting, but the meaning seems clear to me.
No hard work, no creamy risotto.
That is a conservative value and I am shocked, shocked I tell you, that Hillary Clinton has put this man in charge of her campaign.
In the future, when Alton Brown or some liberal food blog attempts to lure me with the siren song of taking the easy way out, I will block their words from my mind and just sing the Smurf song until they shut up.
Better yet, I will turn on Fox News while I stand at that stove and stir. I am an American and I am willing to work hard for my creamy risotto like so many others have worked before me.
Thank you, John Podesta, for taking the patriotically correct stand on creamy risotto. You are an inspiration. And good luck with those semaphore flags.
Bill Colvard is lifestyles writer for The Mount Airy News and can be reached at 336-415-4699 or on Twitter @BillColvard.