The art of oral flatulence explained


By Andy Winemiller - awinemiller@mtairynews



As my family and the associated responsibilities have grown over the past couple of years, I have noticed the number of folks from whom I garner advice has really become more limited.

I don’t have a lot of time for friends or acquaintances. Outside of my job here, I really don’t talk to folks. I trust my father’s counsel and my wife’s, and I have managed to retain one or two good friends who I can call with a question regarding how I might handle something.

However, there’s one person who never lets her opinion go unheard. My almost-4-year-old. I can ask her to chime in on just about any matter, and we usually see eye-to-eye, as we are hovering at right about the same maturity level.

The things that pour from her mouth are always interesting, often humorous and sometimes profound.

The other night we were headed home when she inquired about camping. I had promised her we would camp out in the back yard. Weather didn’t look to be cooperating, however, so we opted to set up my little hiking tent in the living room.

There, our imaginations could place us wherever we liked, and the gas logs took the place of a camp fire.

She had one issue with the plan. She wanted her own tent. Sleeping in mine wasn’t good enough for her, but I explained she wouldn’t get her own tent that evening. She would get one eventually, but a special trip to the store wasn’t going to happen. Of course, she made several pleas, but the final one was the most interesting.

“When I was in mommy’s belly I sneezeded and I sneezeded, and I wisheded I had a tent,” she said.

She managed to put three completely unrelated matters into a run-on sentence using a made-up tense of two words to back her argument for a tent. Oh, and she doesn’t remember when she was in the womb, but none of that matters.

She had put it all on the table with this emotionally riveting story of a poor, sneezing creature deprived of seeing the light of day who wished only for a tent.

It’s no different than an adult might approach such an argument claiming a need for something. It was an attempt to appeal to my emotions.

That’s what politicians do all of the time. They say emotionally charged things, some of which show the worst of the worst in people. One might appeal to the quiet racist beliefs of a group by pledging to cut the country off to an entire religion or race.

Just like there was no meat to her argument, one might just call something a “disaster,” and pledge to make it “great again.” The person making that pledge might also have as little knowledge of the line of work into which he has entered as she has of life inside the womb.

And it’s not uncommon to see completely unrelated matters placed together to complete some false line of logic. What does sneezing have to do with a tent? Likewise, what does illegal immigration have to do with supplying jobs which pay a living wage to American citizens?

Another morning she made another comment which seems applicable to the public arena. On our way to daycare when her little sister was only about 10 weeks old, she heard her little sister burp.

I’ll attest to the fact it was impressive, especially for something originating from a being of about 10 pounds.

“Baby sister farted,” she said, a comment to which I replied, “No, she didn’t.”

“Yes she did,” she shot back. “Sometimes baby’s fart out of their mouths.”

I don’t exactly have a degree in anatomy, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way.

That stated, I’m not much more qualified than her to discern what the noise was, and if I’m not mistaken, all that stuff is attached. Along with learning the hip bone is connected to the leg bone, I learned the esophagus is connected to the stomach. Likewise, the stomach is connected to the intestines. It sounds scientifically possible to me.

That explains a lot. For years, the nasty, rancid lies, misinterpretations of fact, misleading statements and disgusting revelations spewing from presidential mouths have been but a function of the body.

When Bill Clinton lied under oath about his sexual escapades in the Oval Office (a crime for which he should have been tossed from office), it was but an oral flatulence. When Donald Trump boasted about the manner in which he greets women and made false and childishly boastful claims about the size of the audience at his inauguration, it could have simply been a series of toots emerging from his mouth.

Even George W. Bush, the only presidential candidate for whom I have voted who became president, may have broken wind from his mouth when repeating intelligence which indicated Iraq was developing weapons of mass destruction.

I’ve been harsh on a lot of these, but using the scientific hypothesis of a 3-year-old it was wrong of me to treat them in such an unkind manner.

It seems they may have simply been farting – out of their mouths.

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By Andy Winemiller

awinemiller@mtairynews

Andy is a staff writer and may be reached at 415-4698.

Andy is a staff writer and may be reached at 415-4698.

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