In my continuing effort to help my fellow citizens in the job market, I am sharing today seven controversial ways to boost your salary. Now, some of these tips from Money Talks News are even useful if you’re looking for a job, so listen up. After all, Money Talks News has been “improving lives for 22 years, 120 days,” according to their website, so these guys know what the dealio is. I have broken down the tips into two categories – the first group deals with personality and appearance, and the second deals with dishonestly and underhandedness.
Okay, let’s look at the first group. I’m not so big on tip number one, “Slim down,” because it requires going to the gym. I figure the only jobs you need to be in shape for are aerobics instructor, professional athlete and pole dancer, which are, apparently, more closely related than I had previous thought. However, there is a way to make this work, without working out. A Journal of Labor Research study reveals that just joining a gym can result in a bump in salary. You can go to the gym, drink fruit juice, talk about “the game” and watch aspiring pole dancers work out, then return to the office and, making sure the boss is nearby, talk about your “workout.”
The second tip is a jewel. In order to make more money, all you have to do is “think tall.” Now, studies have shown that men standing six-feet tall make more money than say someone standing 5’5”. While the height effect is more pronounced in men, it does apply to women as well. However, the geniuses at Money Talks didn’t explain how thinking tall works. Do you walk around on your tiptoes all day, do you strategically place stools around the office to stand on, or do you just practice denial? For example:
“Hey, Rudolpho, how tall are you?” you ask.
He replies “I’m 6-3.”
You say, “Hey, so am I.”
He replies in amazement, “But you only come to my armpit.”
“I just slouch a lot,” you say with a straight face, then find a stool to stand on.
Tip number three is “be happier.” Yeah, just ignore that meaningless foreclosure notice from the bank, or your daughter’s desire to be a man, or the fact that misunderstood Billy just got arrested for robbing a convenience store. And so what if the boss ignored your loyalty and 20 years of service and gave that promotion to that pole-dancer-in-training. Shake it off. There’s no point in being a Debbie Downer. Suck it up and be happy.
Okay, tip number four is a very good one – “look competent.” It’s really not necessary to be competent as long as you look like you are. Researchers found that those with more “mature” facial features fared better than their “baby-faced” co-workers. If you’re, “baby-faced,” grow a beard. If your beard looks like a diseased weasel, take a knife and cut a gash on your cheek, but make sure you cut deep, so as to leave an impressive scar. Then when anyone asks about the scar, just say you got it in a knife fight in Juarez while working for the government.
Now, we’re to the second group of tips, you know, the ones that involve dishonestly and underhandedness. The first tip here is to lie about your previous salary. Yep, that’s right, lie your butt off. The more money you make starting out means the more money you’ll be making in 20 years. Of course, that’s assuming your boss doesn’t find out about your misrepresentation. When interviewing for a job, don’t be afraid to say something like, “My salary as the production manager at Bisko Industries was $110,000, but that didn’t include stock options and a company car.” Which brings us to the next tip – “embellish your resume.”
You know and I know that your job at Bisko was that of a biscuit inspector, but that doesn’t sound very impressive, so be sure to list your job as a compound engineer. If you cleaned toilets, go with flow chart director. If you were a pole dancer, try profit stimulator. And, of course, you couldn’t have any one of those impressive jobs unless you received a quality education at an outstanding institution of learning, so lie some more. Be sure to list at least one of the following – Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Oxford, Cambridge - on your resume, and leave off Bud’s School of Toilet Maintenance. I almost forgot, if the job you’re after involves human rights issues be sure to include Cal-Berkeley.
If you’ve been counting, you know we’re to the last tip, and, by the way, the most subversive – go after your boss’s job. That’s right, undercut the big dog. Figures from 2011 show that CEOs at Fortune 500 companies earned 379 times what the average worker at their company did. But you may be asking, how do I do this? Well, there are several tried-and-true methods to accomplish this. You can take photographs of your boss with an attractive young lady with no scruples and fewer clothes, you can plant a large amount of illegal narcotics in his desk and then call in a tip to the police, or you can Photoshop pictures of him in compromising situations with Chihuahuas on the internet. If you want to torture him in the process, you may want to hide a recording of Rosanne Barr singing “The National Athem” in his office.
Judging from these tips from Money Talks, just about anything goes in business. However, that works both ways. While you’re conceiving of ways to undercut your boss, you must be aware of what he’s up to, or, by the time you’re ready to hatch your plan, he may have outsourced your job to 12-year-old Xing Wa in China.